


Words I Never Said

by hemmotoxicity



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-04-10 19:39:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 4,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4404785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hemmotoxicity/pseuds/hemmotoxicity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of letters written from Luke's point of view. Title was taken from "Words" by Skylar Grey, which you can listen to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcLJP3evnHI">here</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 18 december 2020

_**December 18, 2020** _

 

_So, uh... it's been a week since you left. To be honest, I haven't really done anything for the past seven days. I've been locked up in my room for the most part. For some reason I keep on forgetting to eat, which is weird because all I've been doing is stare blankly into space. You know how I am, I could eat a horse if I wanted to. But I don't know, I just don't feel hungry anymore. Ash says he's worried I'll starve to death. I think he's right to be worried because I can't remember the last time I had a proper meal._

 

_The boys have been coming over a lot, trying to keep me company I guess. It's weird living alone. The place is too quiet. Sometimes I think that, if I listen hard enough, I'd be able to hear my heartbeat. That's how quiet it is. But then I remember that it isn't physically possible to hear your own heartbeat, and even if it were I still wouldn't be able to hear anything 'cause it's broken. My heart, I mean. Sounds cliché, I know, but it's the truth._

 

_I should stop writing. I'm probably never gonna send this to you anyway. But I don't know, I just really miss talking to you. I've been staring at my phone, wanting to give you a call, but I'm pretty sure I'm the last person you want to hear from right now. So I stop myself from calling you even though it kills me inside. I've been thinking about just letting my battery run dry and not charge it back up but I figured mum would be worried sick if I did. Sometimes I wonder if you would be worried about me the way mum is, the way the band is. But you probably aren't, are you?_

 

_Luke_


	2. 20 december 2020

**_December 20, 2020_ **

 

_I've been drinking a lot. I know you hate it when I do that, so I tried to put it off for as long as I could. But it just feels like I can't handle it anymore. I'd do anything to forget the pain, even for a little while. But every morning when I wake up, nothing's changed. I'm still lying alone in the bed, with four (nearly five) years worth of memories I wished I could forget. I'd have a massive hangover that would make me feel worse than I already do. After the first night of drinking I figured out that no amount of alcohol could make me forget you, but I get myself drunk anyway. I don't really have anything else to do._

 

_Calum says I shouldn't be such a wreck, especially this close to Christmas. I tell him I don't really have a choice. Try as I might, I can't force myself to be productive. I can't even bring myself to shave, so I'm fuzzier than I've ever been in years. You always told me to shave whenever it started to crop up. Don't worry, it's nowhere near a beard, but I guess you don't really care about that kind of stuff anymore. I'm pretty sure you don't give a crap about what I do, but I'll write it down anyway. It makes me feel like I'm talking to you, and I really miss that. Talking to you, I mean. But I already wrote that in the first letter._

 

_The boys and I are headed to my house in a couple of days. They're staying for Christmas Eve. Maybe they want to make sure I'll be okay, which I won't. But I'm getting better at keeping it inside so I'll try and act normal for everyone's sake. Especially mum's. But I'm pretty sure they'll see right through me anyway. They know me too well._

 

_Speaking of home, I should probably clean myself up soon. Can't have mum seeing me hungover. But there's still time so I guess I can still drink for tonight. If I don't, I'll dream of you. And I'm in enough pain as it is._

 

_Luke_

 


	3. 24 december 2020

_**December 24, 2020** _

 

_So... I'm back home. My family's house, that is. We got here yesterday. Mum hasn't broken down so I guess I'm doing an okay job trying to hide the pain. Still, everyone's treating me like I'm made of glass or something. The band's being noisier than usual, trying to lighten things up I guess. There's a lot of talk about presents and music. They don't talk about much else. I think they're worried the conversation would somehow lead back to you. The television's always fixed on some overly cheerful channel, Disney and Nickelodeon for the most part. They change channels at the first sign of romantic interest._

 

_Mum made these muffins she hasn't made in years. I remember how much I liked them when I was a kid, and it looks like she does too. Everyone's going out of their way to try and cheer me up, and I feel bad about not cooperating. So I ate three muffins even though I didn't really feel like eating. Not that it made a difference. I'd still feel empty whether I ate or not. But it's the holidays after all, and holidays are for eating. So I guess I'm gonna have to force myself to chew whatever they give me._

 

_The boys leave in a couple of hours so the house is bound to quiet down soon. They've got their own families, after all, and seeing as we've spent most of the year touring, they really deserve a break. To be honest I really feel bad about ruining their holidays, but it's not like I can do anything about it. I'm not saying you shouldn't have broken up with me so close to Christmas. If I had my way, I wished you'd never left at all. But if I'm not enough for you anymore, there's really nothing I can do. I just hope you're having more fun than I am. It's Christmas Eve, after all._

 

_Luke_


	4. 28 december 2020

_**December 28, 2020** _

 

_So I finally got back to our - sorry, my flat. I keep forgetting how you don't live here anymore. It's just weird, you know? For three years I've woken up with you beside me, but now you're just... gone. It really takes some getting used to._

 

_Anyway. Mum finally let me go. I'm pretty sure she wanted me to spend New Year's there as well, but I really don't think I could act normal much longer. It's only a matter of time before I break down, and I don't want her to see me like that. I don't want her to get hurt, and I don't want her to blame you for what's happening to me. It's pretty obvious why she would think it's your fault that I'm acting like this but... if you weren't happy anymore, then what other choice was there but to leave?_

 

_I love you. You know that, right? I want you to be happy. Truth be told, it would've been better if you could be happy with me but, hey, you can't have everything. I just wanted you to know that even though this whole thing is tearing me apart, I still want what's best for you. I'm sure we've already established that I'm not exactly on cloud nine at the moment but... if you're happier now, without me, then I guess that kind of makes me happy too. Because honestly, I care more about you than I do about myself._

 

_Luke_


	5. 31 december 2020

_**December 31, 2020** _

 

_The boys woke me up pretty early today. Said they had the day all planned out. Told me to pack an overnight bag. I asked what was going on, but Calum just shushed me and told me that I'd find out soon enough. Knowing those three, you could probably tell that I had no choice but to follow... not that I had anything better to do._

 

_Now I'm sitting atop this cliff thing. They probably have a name for it, but if they do, I have no idea what it is. It's pretty similar to the cliff where we shot the Amnesia music video. I don't really know if you would remember it considering that was years ago, but it kind of looks like that._

 

_Anyway. Michael said that the plan was to camp here for the night. As a band, we've had our fair share of camping, but we haven't been able to squeeze in a camping trip for the past few years. Ashton insists that he'd thought this was a good idea because it's been a while since we'd done it, which is true enough. But I just have this sneaking suspicion that they brought me here to try and make me forget everything for a little while. I'm pretty sure I don't have to tell you that their plan won't work, but at least I'm sat here with my three best friends instead of attending some party where everyone kisses at the stroke of midnight. Or worse, sulking in my bedroom. That's really all I've been doing these days._

 

_Luke_


	6. 1 january 2021

_**January 1, 2021** _

 

_Happy new year. I would kiss you right now, but... I'm not exactly beside you at the moment. Well, even if I was, I still couldn't do it no matter how much I wanted to. I wouldn't have the right. Not anymore._

 

_Did you know that in some countries, they say that if you count down to the new year with your partner, you would be together forever? What a load of crap that turned out to be. I didn't really believe in that stuff in the first place, but I can't help but notice the irony of it all. We've counted down together for four years and yet here we are._

 

_I should go. The band will be looking for me. I just snuck off to the tent to greet you "happy new year" - nothing more, nothing less - but I got a little carried away... again. I just hope you have a good day, and I hope you have a good year. But I can tell you're going to have a better time than I am._

 

_Luke_


	7. 10 january 2021

_**January 10, 2021** _

 

_I keep asking myself what I did wrong. For the past four years I thought we were happy, and I guess for the first few years you were. To be honest, I don't really know when you stopped loving me - if you ever did. You said that you still love me, but if that was the case, why did you leave?_

 

_Right before you told me it was over, I'd thought that we were all right. Sure, I was touring for months on end, but you told me you'd gotten used to it after the second year or so. Whenever I got home, you would look as glad to see me as I was to see you. I did everything I could to make up for those months of absence, and you'd acted like waiting for me had been worth it._

 

_But now I can't help but wonder how much of that was real. I don't want to think that it had all been a lie, that you'd been playing me all along. I know you're not that kind of person, and I don't think someone would waste four years of their life on someone they don't really care about. But if I had done my best, if I had done everything I could, does that mean I really wasn't good enough? Where did I go wrong? I wish I could ask you, but I probably wouldn't have the guts. I'm not entirely sure I want an answer, but I wish you would tell me anyway. It's not like I've got anything left to lose._

 

_Luke_


	8. 20 january 2021

_**January 20, 2021** _

 

_Michael's been visiting me almost every day. We'd play FIFA and whatever video game he was in the mood for. I'm not really into it but I go along with it anyway. He can see right through me, of course, but he doesn't say anything. In fact, we don't really talk much, which I'm extremely thankful for. Michael never was much of a talker - at least, not when it came to sappy romance things. But at least he's not telling me to stop moping around or get my ass off of the couch. I guess that means I'm in worse shape than I thought._

 

_But yeah, since he started visiting I've been eating properly again. The food's almost always pizza, but it's a start. At least now I can say that I've eaten three meals - never mind the fact that I don't really eat much. I leave that last part out whenever mum calls me up. She'd ask how I was doing and I'd tell her that I'm fine even though we both know I'm lying. I don't know, it just seems easier than admitting the truth. I guess I have this crazy idea that if I tell myself "I'm okay" enough times, it would eventually come true. But so far, no such luck._

 

_Luke_


	9. 14 february 2021

_**February 14, 2021** _

 

_Went on a trip by myself today. I got into my car and just drove. No phone, no social media... nothing. I figured that if I didn't go out, the boys would drag my arse outside anyway, so I might as well just save them all the trouble. I left Calum, Michael, Ash, and mum texts saying I'd gone out so they wouldn't panic when they can't contact me. They worry too much - or maybe just enough. I don't know._

 

_I drove around aimlessly for a bit, neither knowing nor caring where I might end up in my state. At some point everything seemed unfamiliar so I began to wonder whether I was lost or not. Turns out I wasn't, but it took me back to a time when we really were lost. That was two years ago, I think. I don't know if you remember but a friend of mine asked me to keep an eye on his private beach over the weekend, so we were headed there. We ended up getting lost thirty minutes into the trip. You were panicking and I tried hard not to do the same because you were worried enough as it is. You looked so cute when you were worried though._

 

_In the end, we managed to find the beach after all. Truth be told, that was one of the best trips of my life despite the fact that we got lost. Just goes to show how I don't care what happens as long as you're with me. I'm walking along the same private beach right now, thinking of the time we spent here. I'm doing my best to focus on the happy memories without feeling sad and empty, but it's hard. Though compared to staying in the city where I would be surrounded by happy couples, this is a much better way of spending Valentine's._

 

_Luke_


	10. 22 february 2021

_**February 22, 2021** _

 

_Today should've been our fifth anniversary. I've always found it funny how some guys forget these things, and I remember how happy you were when you found out I wasn't one of them. I just don't understand how you could forget something like that. The day you became my girlfriend was one of the happiest days of my life._

 

_I was gonna propose today, you know? I had it all planned out. I already bought a ring. I'm staring at it right now, wondering what I should do with it. The band could probably help me decide, but I don't want to ask them. They didn't even know I was planning on proposing, and seeing as we're no longer a couple, I don't really see the point of telling them. Besides, I know them well enough to guess what they would say. Ash would probably tell me to return it. Calum would urge me to throw it in the ocean. Michael would tell me to damn it all and just get pizza. Not very considerate, but that's just the way he is, and to be honest I wouldn't have it any other way._

 

_I should stop. The longer I write, the sadder I become, and I don't want to do anything stupid like jump off a building or slit my wrists open. I'm not gonna lie and say I haven't considered suicide, but I have to think about my family. I have to think about the band. I have to think about the fans. I can't do that to them. Once upon a time I would have put your name down there too, but I don't really have the right anymore, do I?_

 

_Luke_


	11. 2 march 2021

_**March 2, 2021** _

 

_I drove to your best friend's house this morning. I heard that's where you were staying. I must've sat in my car for thirty minutes to an hour, just staring at the house. It's a tiny bit creepy, I know, but I was trying to gather the courage to walk up to the door and knock. I don't know if I would have done it if I hadn't seen what I'd seen._

 

_I guess I'm kind of glad that I didn't just jump right into it, because one of your exes - I forgot what his name is - walked up to the door with a bouquet of flowers in his hands. He knocked and you let him in with the biggest smile on your face - the one that I miss so much. The one that I haven't seen in quite a while. Was that a sign that you weren't happy anymore? Was I just too blind to see it?_

 

_I guess this means you two have started seeing each other again. I'm not sure if the band knows about it, and I don't really think I wanna know. I'd like to think that they would tell me whenever something about you cropped up. Having knowledge is better than not having it - even if that knowledge would hurt like hell._

 

_To be honest, I'm not quite sure how to feel about you and him. Of course I'd rather we were still together, but it's nearly been three months since we broke up, after all. Is that long enough? Or is that too soon to start dating other people? I literally have no idea. But I hope you're happy with the way things are going in your life right now, because I know for sure that I'm happy for you. I just wish I could be happy for myself too._

 

_Luke_


	12. 11 march 2021

_**March 11, 2021** _

 

_I heard you've started taking classes again. I'm glad that you did. I remember all the times you said that you'd like to go back to university, and it's great that you finally got to do it. I've always been worried that I was holding you back, and I guess this is proof that I was. I never would have stopped you from doing anything you wanted, though. I hope you know that._

 

_It's been exactly three months since you left, but I'm still not any better off compared to the day I started writing these letters. Some days are better than others, but I can never say that I'm genuinely happy with how things are going. I'm just really grateful that we're currently on break. I honestly don't think I can face the rest of the world given the state I'm in._

 

_I don't really have that much to say. I just felt like I had to write because, like I said, it's been three months. If I don't stop myself from writing, I'd just end up saying the same things over and over again - that I love you, that I wish you'd never left, that what I want more than anything else is for you to come back. I'm not even going to send these letters to you, but I know seeing the same crap in every single one of them must be annoying. So... good night, I guess. I love you._

 

_Luke_


	13. 15 march 2021

_**Ashton** _

 

_Hey Ash. Sorry if I've been AWOL these past few months. I guess I don't really have to tell you what's been going on because... well, because you already know._

 

_I guess I just wanted to say thank you for putting up with all of my crap. I'm not just talking about the break-up, I'm talking about everything I've ever had to put you through. You're a really great friend, Ash. I hope you know that I appreciate everything you've done for me._

 

_I'll be leaving in a few days, because there's a lot of things that I don't know how to deal with. This will be good for me, I know it will. Don't worry about me, okay?_

 

_Luke_

 

_And P. S. You're right. Calum and I stole your favourite bandana. It's in the bedside table of my guest room. Bottom drawer. Hope two years wasn't too long a wait._


	14. 15 march 2021

_**Calum** _

 

_So the other day I was cleaning my house - well, trying to clean, anyway - and I found this bandana in my guest room. It's Ashton's favourite, the one we stole from him at New Year's Eve two years ago. I had a good laugh remembering that. It's probably the first time I've laughed in months, to be completely honest. But that's beside the point._

 

_I guess I just wanted to thank you for everything. Even if we hadn't made it big as a band, I still would have been very good friends with the three of you, and that sounds pretty awesome to me. Sorry for being all sappy but I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't met you guys. You, especially. I'm glad you gave an awkward little noodle like me a chance. If you hadn't... well, lord knows where I'd be right now._

 

_I'll be gone in a few days. I just... need to get away from everything. Please don't worry about me. I know it's all for the best. You probably won't get to read this until I'm actually gone, but yeah. Again, don't worry about me._

 

_Luke_


	15. 15 march 2021

_**Michael** _

 

_Thank you for force-feeding me. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But thanks for putting up with me. I know I haven't exactly been the life of the party these past few months, and I know you're not into the whole "romance" thing, but it means a lot that you haven't told me to suck it up and stop moaning. Makes me think that you actually have a heart._

 

_I wanted to say thank you for being one of my best mates. For being there when I needed you. I never imagined that we would be this close, I mean when we first met you pretty much looked at me like you wanted to kill me. I'm glad we got past that, though. Really glad._

 

_I'm going away. Don't read too much into it, just keep in mind that I need this. I know you'll be worrying about me no matter how punk rock you claim to be, but try not to. I'll be fine._

 

_Luke_


	16. 15 march 2021

_**Mum** _

 

_Hey mum. I know we haven't been able to talk since I got back, but I just wanted to say thank you for everything. I know it's not easy to look after three dorks like me and my brothers, and it's not like I've been the most cooperative son lately. I really love you though. You know that, right? Always have and always will. Even when you're being insanely overprotective._

 

_In a few days I'll be gone. There's really no other option. I want this. I need this. I hope you, dad, Ben, and Jack can accept that. I'd write them letters too, but it's late and I don't think I can write anything more. I love you all. Please don't worry about me._

 

_Luke_


	17. 18 march 2021

_**March 18, 2021** _

 

_I remember when Michael stole my phone one time when we were on tour and texted you saying we're over. I had a really huge fit because of that. I'm glad you figured out that it wasn't me who'd sent that, but I still gave him an earful. I guess it's because, even though we'd barely been together for a year, I already knew that I never wanted to break up with you. That I never wanted this to end. Never wanted to think of the day when there wasn't an "us" anymore. And yet look where we are now._

 

_The universe is pretty evil, if you ask me. And honestly, I thought I'd been getting better. I thought I was actually starting to move on. But the past week has been so awful for some reason, and last night I got drunk on wine instead of vodka. It probably wasn't the best idea because wine makes me remember things. I could barely escape our memories when I'm sober, and being drunk on wine made that impossible to do. I had to take a really unpleasant trip down memory lane, not because the memories we'd made together were bad - on the contrary, they were so beautiful and so happy that I wanted to punch myself in the eye because that's not who we are anymore. And then I remembered that there isn't even a "we" anymore, which just made matters worse._

 

_I really do love you, you know? It's been months since you left but I still don't know what went wrong. I still want to fix things, but by now I'm pretty sure that's impossible. You're moving on, and as painful as it is for me, I just want you to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted. I never want to see you sad, because when you're happy, I swear I could see the most beautiful gleam in your eyes. I never want that light to leave your eyes, even if it's not me that's causing it. Just knowing that you still have that expression is enough._

 

_I should probably stop writing. I've taken so many pills and my eyes keep on fluttering closed so I'm not even sure if what I'm writing makes sense anymore. But before I go, I just want to tell you, for the last time, that I really love you. And please don't blame yourself for this. This was my choice. I finally realised that living without you is worse than not living at all. At least now we're both free._

 

_Luke_


	18. epilogue

"Luke, open up." Calum says, banging against the wooden door rather impatiently.

 

He and Ashton had been waiting outside for a while now, and if the raven-haired boy's irritability had been initially caused by the pressing desire to eat, his anxiety now stems from the fact that he was worried about Luke - very much so.

 

"Do you think he's okay?" he asks, turning to the shorter male.

 

Ashton's lower lip gets caught between his teeth.

 

"I don't know," he replies, because it was the truth.

 

The answer only makes Calum feel worse, though, and it does nothing to alleviate the dread that's been pooling in his gut. He begins to grow restless, shifting his weight uneasily from one foot to the other until he finally reaches up to the top of Luke's doorframe. His hand closes around the spare key he knew the blonde kept there, and Ashton doesn't question him when he shoves it into the lock without preamble and steps inside the flat.

 

"Luke?" he calls out, only to be met with silence.

 

"Luke, mate? Time for dinner. Michael's waiting on us." Ashton supplies, trying very his best to hide the worry in his voice as the two of them take in the horrid state of their bandmate's apartment.

 

Calum doesn't comment on the scattered clothes and pizza boxes before heading straight for Luke's bedroom, grateful that the door wasn't locked and that the younger boy was in his room after all.

 

"Luke, there you are. We were so worried - " he'd been walking up to the bed then, and he stopped when he saw how unnaturally pale the other was.

 

The rest of Luke's room registers at last - the crumpled bits of paper strewn all over the floor like a carpet, the empty beer bottles, the notebook propped up on Luke's bedside table (today's date was in big block letters on top of the page it was currently on), and finally the empty bottle of pills sitting beside Luke's hand.

 

"Ashton!" Calum screams, and the sound is so pained and so desperate that the older male stumbles into the room almost immediately.

 

"Call an ambulance."

 

It sounded more like a plea than anything else, and Ashton has enough sense not to ask any more questions before getting right to it.

 

Calum then fixes his gaze back on Luke. The blonde was breathing - but only barely - and Calum hopes that the ambulance makes it on time.

 

"Luke, please don't go." Calum says, his voice barely above a whisper.

 

Ashton chooses not to do what he normally would - that is, tell Calum that everything will be all right - because in truth, he was just as scared as his bandmate was. He could only clutch at Calum's shoulder as he waits for the ambulance to arrive, ignoring the tears forming on the other's eyes as he was bound to shed tears of his own in a little while.


End file.
